My Funny Facebook status

• Wake up don't spend too much time in bed. Only prostitutes make money there. ;)
• Don't hate me because I'm handsome. Hate me because your girlfriend thinks so ;D
• When I was a kid, I acted as an adult. Now that I'm an adult, I act as a kid. :)
• I'm not special but I'm limited edition :)
• When you are single, all you see are happy couple. When you are committed, all you see are happy single!
• Every man is a millionaire by his sperm count. And the funny thing is that even these millions are also spent on women !!
• Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'shut-up' !!
• People like you are the reasons we have middle finger. ;)
• You love someone, you marry someone else. The one you marry becomes your wife or husband & the one you loved becomes the password of your E-mail ID !!
• My bedroom is not messy... I just chose to lay my cloths out on the floor so I can see them better. :D
• In case I drink too much & pass out for a while, Merry christmas you guys. ;)
• ‎"Mom who is GOD?"
"God is not male, not female, not black, not white, & love kids."
"ohh Michael Jackson !"
• Love is like made in china. No guarantee no warranty. :)
• Men look at women's back and say 'what an ass', women look at men's face and say 'what an ass' !
• Dogs look up to me. Cats look down to me. Pigs treat me as equal. I like pigs ! :)
• Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good
looking? A. They already have boyfriends ;)
• What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? A. They
can both smell it, but can't eat it ;)
• I love work. Unfortunately, if I do work it gets finished. How can I
finish something that I love? Enjoy laziness. :D
• When I see you, all the butterflies in my stomach just come back. :)
• Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity. :D
• Everyone hates me because I'm so universally well liked. ;)
• I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here !!
• You will never reach your Destination, if you stop and throw stones at every Dog that barks.. Better we keep biscuits and go"
• If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be appreciated, just SHUT up. :D
• You are the Hero of your own existence. Unfortunately, it doesn't end well. ;)
• Johnny Johnny !" "yes papa !"
"Eating sugar?" "No papa !"
"Telling lies ?" "Dude WTF"
• Signboard outside heaven:
"lying in bed naked with someone & screaming 'OH MY GOD.... OH MY GOD....' will not be considered as praying' !
• I'm Single, doesn't always mean available. :)
• Just because I'm skinny, doesn't mean I don't eat. :
• I am not short I'm fun-sized. :)
• I didn't fall....... I was just testing gravity... It still works. :)
• I wish cancer got cancer and died. :)
• Night was dark, moon was high. Boy stopped his bike, girl asked him why. He come closer to her, she felt shy. He went near her & told NO PETROL. ;)
• ‎"Me, fail English? That's unpossible!"
• Drunken guy is a liability & a drunken girl is an asset. ;)
• I'm dark & handsom. When it is dark, I'm handsom. ;)
• I hope my next will be better then my ex. :)
• No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. :)
• There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side & the right side. :)
• I'm not lazy... I'm on energy saving mode. ;)
• I have as much authority as Prime Minister, I just don't have as many people who believe it. :)
• I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog. :-D
• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
• One day she sent me a text, " let's break-up." I didn't even have time to be sad, she sent me another text. "sorry, wrong person." :)
• Perfect Boyfriend doesn't drink, doesn't smoke & doesn't cheat on his girlfriend........ And doesn't exist. ;-D
• If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it's either a new woman - or a new car.. ;-p
• Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. ;-D
• I have organised my job in 3 simple categories: Thinks I won't do now, Things I won't do latter & Things I'll never do. ;-D
• Alcohol doesn't solves any problems; but then, think again, neither does milk. ;-)
• Ladies, your secrets are safe with me and all my friends. ;-D
• As long as my answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? ;-D
• You're old when your sweete says," lets go upstairs & make love," and your answer," honey, I can't do both ! "
• when we dated, my ex enticed me by saying she wanted an "open" thing. only later did I find out that she meant her mouth & my wallet. :-(
• If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28days.
• She finally laughed at one of my joke last night. Unfortunately for me, this particular joke was 3 inches long & only lasted 8 seconds.
• Girls DIARY: He was quite 2day. I asked if its my fault. He said Nthn. He smiled sadly. I cried all night !!
Boys DIARY: m sad......India lost by 5 runs.
• I'm not totally useless, "I can still be used as an example of uselessness"
• Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
• My affections are more like infections.
• Save water. Take a bath with your neighbour's wife.
• I'm not going to lie to you. You are very attractive when I've had five or seven beers.
• Broken promises doesn't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
• If you don't count any of my failures, I'm quite successful
• Man: A creature obviously created when God was exhausted.
• You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
• Viagra now available in powder to put on in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from getting soft.
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading
• Boss in modern management is one who think 9 women together can produce a child in one month ! if achieved next month target is twins.
• The road to success is always under construction.
• A girl phoned me & said "come on over there's nobody home," I went over - nobody was home.
• Is reading in the bathroom considered as multi-tasking??
• Met my Bank Manager today. He asked me the quickest way to Hospital, so I pushed him in the path of a passing Ambulance.
• A group of elephants are on the street. A gorgeous female elephant passes by & a teen elephant comments...WOW-3600-2400-3600 ....
• I have decided to know you, a whole lot better. Lets start with your banking information.
• With both painting & sex, rule no one is the same: For a good finish primer first. :-D
• Parents to our college watchmen : " Is this college good ... ?? ". Watchmen:"probably the best coz i did my graduation here & got immediate placement " ...
• Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
• The cost of living is going high, and the chance of living is going down.
• I got a timematchine......!!! I get in in & it get me 7 hour in future...... I call it ...... BED......!!!
• Congress...... Where a politician gets up to speak...... Say nothing...... Nobody listen...... & then everybody disagree......!!!
• The secret of success is knowing whom to blame for failure.